I believe that throwing a party for your child and just her closest friends makes for a far more enjoyable experience for all involved, but will this cause a classroom war?
My daughter is all about the parties this year, and this fills me with absolute fear. Each time she comes back from a friend's party her head is filled with yet more requirements for her own. A princess castle birthday cake with 20 different types of icing, chocolate fountains, clowns and bouncy castles. She also wants to invite 200 guests.
If I had my way, we would celebrate with immediate family only, in Pizza Express, sing Happy Birthday, eat chocolate fudge cake and affectionately bop each other on the head with their balloons on sticks.
Implementing a party rule
A few years ago, in an attempt to protect my own sanity and minimise stress for both myself and my children, I implemented a new rule. My kids are only allowed to invite one friend per year of age, so if turning five they could invite five friends. Up until now I have successfully stuck to this rule without a hitch. In fact my kids have always positively enjoyed their parties, and not turned into monsters at any point during proceedings.
However, now that my daughter is older and far more aware of what parties can be like, coupled with the fact that she is now at school and making new friends, I am wondering whether my rule is viable. I worry that I may unwittingly cause friction between her and her classmates if they are not all invited to her party, and cause my daughter upset when they in turn don't invite her to their party.
But I just cannot get out of my head the image of hundreds of little people running around screaming and shouting and beating each other up in an E-number-induced frenzy. It doesn't make for a very pleasant experience. It is overwhelming for the birthday child, not to mention the parents. I believe that celebrating with a handful of close friends in a semi-civilised manner, is far more enjoyable.
Putting too much pressure on myself
Last year, even with just four little people in attendance, plus their parents and siblings and my daughter's grandparents, my stress levels went through the roof. This is because I I turn into one of those intensely annoying mums who stupidly puts a huge amount of pressure on themselves to throw the perfect party. Having been up til 3am the night before decorating the house, painting banners, modelling balloons, and baking 15 different types of cake, not to mention the birthday cake, by the time the first child arrived I was at breaking point.
I got through it by secretly swigging wine from a teacup and then drunkenly danced like a loon to the hokey cokey, in front of my daughter's bemused friends and their parents. I made a stern promise to myself the following morning, that I would employ the help of Mr Sainsbury for the next party, and ease off on any attempts of domestic goddess-ness.
Sticking to my rules
I have been completely torn over what I should do this year, and have toyed with the idea of just letting my daughter invite who the heck she likes, hire out the local community centre, get outside catering and clowns, break the bank, have a nervous breakdown, and be done with it.
However, aside from the costs of a huge party, I genuinely don't think that my daughter would enjoy a raucous celebration. So, after a lot of thought I have decided to stick to my rule of number of invitees equals the number of candles on the life-sized fairy princess castle birthday cake. And I just hope to goodness that my daughter, along with the 195 uninvited guests, will not take umbrage, and that this decision will not cause a classroom war.
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26 September, 2011
I know exactly what you mean - my little girl turned nine last week and invited six friends round for tea and it was only on the day that everyone came round that she told me that one girl in her class had been upset that she wasn't invited. She said that she had told her that if she couldn't come then my daughter couldn't go to her party which was going to be much better apparently.
It's a hard life being a nine year old!
26 September, 2011
I so sympathise with this view - I have three children and the youngest has just started school.
Sometimes I think I must be an unfeeling mum because I've never allowed any of my children to invite all of their friends to birthday parties.
One it's just a recipe for chaos, two, it's too expensive and three, the celebration gets lost in the management - in my view.
I've found with both my daughters that it's also made them manage negotiation, explanation and diplomacy skills. I've also tried to teach them that it means there will be some parties they won't be invited to attend - and that's okay.
Over the years at primary school this had led to parties which are smaller, very memorable and sometimes you get children remembering the party from year to year - which is, to me, remarkable.
But it has caused problems, one of my daughters is very popular at the age of nine and she's had at least two occasions where girls have tried blackmail, through gifts and even mild arguments, to get on her 'list'. I've also allowed her to make her own choice and luckily she's a child who will stick to her guns. But I've never upped the numbers to make life easier or bow to pressure.
This year, in about two weeks, we have party number one. My eldest daughter has just started secondary school and is in a period of transition - old and new friends. Her friendship group has not yet settled. So for this year only she gets to invite seven friends (normally three max) to get her through this year of change. The downside, is that more friends means less budget for activity. She's old enough to take that on board now.
Three weeks after that comes birthday party number two, a cupcake decorating party where three friends will be invited. It involves travel, it's a high-end party so it's more expensive but the experience will be fantastic for them. And no party bags! The cakes will be going home.
Party three will come next year, when my son gets his turn. I've no idea how that will go but once he's decided what he wants to do, we'll settle on numbers.
I've been guided by the activity they want to take part in when it comes to settling on numbers - my children have seemed to understand this reasoning, especially as they've got older.
You may find as your children get older that the smaller numbers are easier, simply because they want to do an activity that is more expensive and they recognise that eg. meal plus cinema. But then you get the 'sleep over' requests. I have a rule on that too - two friends maximum, but preferably one.
Wow, what do I sound like? Oh the joys of parenthood!!!
mum
26 September, 2011
Hi Fiona, I have found your comment very reassuring and helpful - thank you! I am so glad that I am not the only one who disagrees with big manic parties. My daughter nags a lot about sleepovers, but am not quite ready to go there yet!
editor
26 September, 2011
I remember the year we invited the whole class with a mix of incredulity that we attempted it and horror at the memory, as actually we invited two classes, as my twin daughters were in different ones. Seriously, what were we thinking? On the upside, all the kids seemed to love it. On the downside I think I lay down in a darkened room for a week after, it was all that baking!
editor
26 September, 2011
Plus we did it as cheaply as we could...so that meant lots more effort and lots more bin bags to drag round a community centre. I wouldn't recommend it.
admin
26 September, 2011
I like the idea of the same number of guests as candles - and I think I'm going to steal it! My three all have their birthdays within a month of each other and it is just too crazy to have party after party of hundreds of kids (because they don't want joint birthday parties). In saying that we recently got annual tickets for a safari park near us and we are toying with the idea of just going to take the kids there on their birthdays instead of a big party, and allowing them to take one friend each when we go.
Still thinking though :-)
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
27 September, 2011
Oh, I hear you! I've just had my youngest's party at the weekend when she turned 3 and in many ways it's much easier when they're younger. Right now I can get away with calling it a party when actually it's just an extended play-date with a few more cocktail sausages. I have my own no party bag rule and instead get them all a helium balloon (from Clinton for £1 a pop) and a bit of cake - but the kids still ask me for them which annoys me!
My older daughter is at school and will be less easy to fool but I agree with you on many of your points and full intend to resist as much as I can, sticking to my small and personal is best approach.
You're not alone!
admin
15 February, 2012
Great post, Elsie! Parties seem like such a dilemma to most parents that I ever talk about them with! I tried a joint one for my 3 year old just before Christmas, which, although it had the bonus of being cheap and yet big (in a hall, with bouncy castle), it was far too complicated trying to co-ordinate 6 adults to organise things - with loads of kids being invited, most that I/my son didn't invite!
My husband's mum used to go all out for his and his sister's parties when they were kids - it was a family tradition (they're Italian) and it was the same with all their cousins too. She says she actively wants to be involved in organising our kid's parties in the future too - which is great for me as it's another pair of hands and ideas. My husband gets more involved than I do really, so I guess I'm lucky, plus we might just have some willing financial help from my mum-in-law which is a bonus. I even think it would happen without me if I wanted it to!
My boys are a bit young to experience what to do about numbers and not being able to invite some of their friends but I can see that this will need addressing when they want the numbers to increase!!
Sue
Ready For Ten Team