I'm frustrated that my kids weren't welcome on more than on occasion.
This year we were fortunate enough to get invited to three weddings. Unfortunately however, our kids were not included on any of the invitations. They were all the weddings of friends, contemporaries, people in their 30s, people of maturity and compassion and of childbearing age. So why exclude the children of their dear friends?
What I found particularly baffling was that one of the couples getting married actually have two of their own children, who presumably were invited. How boring it must have been for those kids, while mummy and daddy were getting sozzled and basking in the glory of being newlyweds, not to have some little friends to play with. Another of the couples were happy to have flower girls and page boys working for them, but all other kids were told to stay at home.
I went through all the reasons I could think of for why our friends would not want my children at their wedding. Was it because they were trying to keep numbers down, or beause they thought they might cause a ruckus during the vows, or sabotage the wedding cake, or was it because they simply did not like children?
At my own wedding, it never even entered my head that children would not be invited. I do however remember having a quiet chat with one friend with a small baby a couple of weeks beforehand. I politely asked that if her baby cried during the speeches, if she would mind either shutting him up pronto or removing him from the room. The fact that the baby might cry during the vows didn’t seem to bother me.
Adults can be more disruptive than kids
Our wedding was a truly happy day, and apart from the baby crying during the speeches, the children positively added to the celebrations, skipping around in their pretty outfits, blowing the obligitory bubbles, sucking the helium out of the balloons, and squeaking a lot.
I do appreciate that a wedding celebration is a couple’s special day. It has normally had months of meticulous planning and a lot of money thrown in, and therefore people want to avoid anything going wrong. But in my experience it is far more likely to be a troublesome family member, or an over-the-top best man, or a drunken ex, that will cause the disruption at a wedding, not a child.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not precious about leaving my kids for the day. In fact there have been many times when I would have positively relished the opportunity of a child-free day. But when invited to a wedding that is 250 miles away, and there aren’t any grandparents that are able to take on the job of looking after your children, it makes things very tricky.
Finally the children are allowed to come, but with conditions
By the time the third wedding invite came through the post, we had become a dab hand at politely saying ‘no’ while quietly feeling pretty annoyed. We promptly got back to the bride and groom to-be and declined, stating lack of babysitter as our reason. On this occasion however, we eventually got a reply back saying that they would stretch the rules for us and allow our kids to come. There were several conditions though. They had to be well behaved, we had to stand at the back of the church, we had to keep them under control at all times, and they were not allowed to suck the helium out of all the balloons.
The prospect of attending a wedding knowing full well that my children weren’t really welcome wasn’t the most enticing of invites, but we accepted anyway. We got our girls dressed up, gave them a pep talk on zipping it in the church, bribed them with sweets, and off we set, with slight trepidation.
While it was lovely to finally get to see some friends walking down the aisle, the day did cause a certain amount of friction amongst other friends who had been told to leave their kids at home.
All this aside, our kids wholeheartedly enjoyed their first wedding experience, from gawping open-mouthed at the ‘princess’ bride, to hiding under the tables and stuffing their faces with profiteroles, to breaking some pretty impressive moves on the dance floor, dressed as Snow White what's more. And once I had guzzled a couple of glasses of champagne I managed to relax a little too.
Stars of the show
It turned out that my girls were the talking point of the wedding reception, bar the bride of course. And their funny and entertaining antics were discussed fondly on Facebook for weeks afterwards. Even the bride posted a comment saying how great it was to have them there. I am not sure how this would have gone down with the other parents who had begrudgingly left their kids at home.
If you are going to invite members of a family to your wedding, invite the whole family, not just half of it. It's rude not to, in my opinion. If you don't want the kids there, don't invite the parents.
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editor
03 October, 2011
It makes me sad that people assume children will be badly behaved or somehow ruin a day just by being there. If I ever get married, there will be loads of kids around.
mum
03 October, 2011
Hi Linda, I agree - i really do think that kids make a wedding....
mum
03 October, 2011
I can see both sides of this. When we got married, it was a family day and the kids were very welcome. But I've also been to 'grown-up' weddings where children weren't welcome and weren't catered for.
I'd say it was up to the bride and groom and if invited guests don't like it, they shouldn't come.
expert
03 October, 2011
I have to say I totally disagree with this. I think the majority of people who exclude children do so to keep numbers down. When I go married, in my late 20s, we invited children but it wasn't an issue because most of our friends were still child-free - in the end there was just one little girl. If I was getting married now, it would be a totally different matter. For almost every couple I invited, I'd have to add an extra two or three kids which gets expensive when you are paying £15 per head or whatever at the reception, plus most venues have number limits etc. Also, as Ellen says, it's their day, not yours. I have never been remotely offended when my children are excluded from weddings and I really don't see why people get so upset about it.
03 October, 2011
This year we had our 1st wedding invite since having children. As I'm not experienced in these things I stupidly thought the invite was for all of us and accepted on that basis. I then had a very embarrassing letter from my cousin saying children weren't invited. As my youngest was going to be less than 2mths old I'm not sure how she expected us to be able to attend without him, so I declined.
To make matters worse my Auntie was then so upset that we couldn't attend that she strong armed my cousin into changing her mind. Like you I was then obliged to attend a wedding where I felt the children weren't welcome. It was all just a bit awkward.
Like you, I don't see a problem with children at a wedding and I'm not really sure that it's always a numbers issue, more the idea of having an 'OK' style wedding without the messiness of kids.
I think most parents are mindful of them behaving at appropriate moments and I took my 2yo outside during the speeches as he was getting restless.
I also wonder where the cut off is for these people. Is it an over 18yo only thing or are 16 & 17 allowed, seeing as they are not likely to cry during the ceremony!
03 October, 2011
We have just received an invitation to my Husband's cousin but it did not include the children and as all the rest of the childless family is invited too we have nobody to look after our children. I just declined and told my husband that he could go if he wanted but as I suspected he refused. We are a 'family' and if the children are not welcome then we wont bother going. Each to their own but to me a wedding without children lacks of a 'je ne sais quoi...
mum
03 October, 2011
I completely agree that it is the bride and grooms day for them to do as they please - my frustrations were (perhaps selfishly) that because the weddings were all being held a long way away (and unfortunately we don't have anyone that can look after our kids for a whole weekend) we were unable to see our good friends getting married. Having said that, I still believe that kids shouldn't be exclued from weddings - as parents we have plenty of opportunities to go out and do things without our kids - but for me, a wedding is about family and friends all getting together. I appreciate that not everyone agrees with that viewpoint though!
admin
05 October, 2011
I have mixed feelings about this. We recently went to a fairly small wedding and were only invited for the evening do. It was our first family wedding, and our three had their best party clothes on, danced the night away (till 9pm anyway), got straight in on the buffet action and boogied with the bride without any reservations. Their behaviour was impeccable and we were very proud of them. I can understand that some people consider weddings (especially in the evenings) to be an adult event, and may not want to be rugby tackled away from the buffet table by my two year old, who has no regard for personal space. As far as I see it, nobody will ever be able to have a wedding without upsetting someone, and as they are by no means a cheap event, I think couples have every right to limit numbers to just adults only if they choose to, especially if many of their friends have two or more children (like us). If you are unable to go to a wedding due to childcare issues, you could always decline the invitation and tell them the reason why, and invite them to come and have a meal with you and your family after all the wedding hype, so that you can celebrate their happy event in a more intimate environment.
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team