We may consider affectionate name calling just a bit of fun, but maybe it can be more hurtful than that.
Do you call your children names? Nothing cruel, just the kind of affectionate names that get bandied around in families. We definitely do in our family, so I asked around some friends and gathered together a list. Numpty, wally, doofus, troubley-bum, div, you old hopeless, daftie, daft ha'peth, monkey, spanner, looper, divot, fishface, nincompoop, bonkers bananas, muppet, monster, nutter, weirdo and eejit all came up.
Would you call a friend a freak?
But is it a problem? I never thought so until my mother-in-law called my six-year-old, Harry, a "bag of rubbish" and I bristled. I wouldn't want to be referred to as a bag of rubbish, so why is it okay to say it to a child? Then my brother-in-law called Harry a "freak". Again, it was affectionate, but I wouldn't take too kindly to being called a freak and I also wouldn't be impressed if I heard Harry calling someone else a freak, so I talked to my husband about it and we decided to instigate a name-calling ban.
It wasn't a serious ban at all. In fact we found it so hard to stick to that conversations usually went along the lines of: "What are you doing, you doofus?" "Hey! Name-calling!" "Oh yes, you're right. Sorry." "And YOU'RE the doofus anyway!" "Name-calling!" But at least we were thinking about it and aware that we were doing it. That's something, I suppose.
Just a bit of fun...
But is it really that bad? As long as the names are not malicious or degrading, isn't it okay? If they're said with affection then where's the harm? As author Emma Darwin commented: "It seems to me that you can call them anything you like if they're secure in your affection, and no amount of word-banning will help if they're not."
But narrative psychologist Jacqueline Christodoulou says name-calling can be damaging and there's research to prove it. The problem is that "it brings into question the construction of a positive identity for the child, and it’s about both the meaning of the word and the relationship with the person who says it (i.e. power and control relationship)."
I asked her to explain simply.
The gist is that if name-calling was just limited to the home it wouldn't be a problem. But if, for example, at home we call Harry a "div" and then, at school, someone calls him "stupid" and hurts his feelings, he would then start to question why his parents are calling him something similar and would, Christodoulou says, "internalise it into his belief system as negative."
She adds: "Children think about themselves, so rather than think why parents are saying something or why peers are saying something, the focus would be on the growing hurt caused by the negative word, and the perceived confusion caused by different meanings."
If he'd never called me "fat stuff" maybe I'd be thin!
Of course, there's also the fact that we can never really know how our children are taking these things. The names my dad called me apparently in jest are the ones that have stuck with me as being most hurtful. And surely if a child is called "div, daft, spanner, weirdo, freak show" often enough - however affectionately - isn't it going to have some effect?
As Marilyn Shipley, who has a grown daughter, said: "I often wish I could go back and erase some things I said without thinking first. Some of my perceived harmless 'throwaway remarks' turned out not to be so throwaway after all."
I think I'm with author Rowan Coleman, who commented: "I think that you should not treat your children in a way you would not want them to treat others, which rules name-calling out for me."
Or at least, I'm trying to be with her. Turns out the name-calling habit is a hard one to kick.
What do you think? Do you call your children names?
Is it something you worry about or do you just see it as harmless fun?
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mum
23 May, 2011
I think the key point is that you don't really know how children are hearing these names, whether they are quietly taking offence and storing it up for future years yet not letting on at the time. I've called my daughter 'grumpy' but nothing more than that and I'm certain I never would. Very interesting post.
23 May, 2011
I realised when Oliver said "Mommy you're a numpty!" that they obviously do pick up on things. I then had to explain to him that it was a word that he shouldn't use with other people and he obviously took a lot of notice of me as when his Dad did something silly and he said "Daddy - you numpty!" I am reasonably careful around him that I don't say things that he would be able to pick up and use himself, but it is very difficult to do when a lot of the programs on TV say things that we probably wouldn't like them to say.
Really interesting post Keris, thanks for bringing this up for discussion.
I find that the older generation are a law unto themself, such as my Dad who is 80 and says things to him that I really don't approve of and I have to be very careful and still try to be respectful of him when I try to explain that they are things I don't want Oliver to learn and have to ask him to stop saying. I then have to go into a discussion with my Dad about him respecting what I want for my son. A very difficult situation.
23 May, 2011
Hi
Very interesting and relevant post. When I was growing up, we would not have any name calling except maybe a nickname which was purely affectionate. In our house with my children now we generally dont name call (except maybe silly sausage or cheeky monkey), if anything it is me calling myself names for being forgetful or doing something silly but not at my children. I think it is something you have to be very careful with in their young age where they are developing their personality and self-esteem. Also as the post points out, I dont want my children doing something they would not want done to themselves.
expert
23 May, 2011
Very interesting post Keris. I have studied NLP, which is all about the connections between what we say and what we do. As a result I am very very careful about the language I use to my children and aim not to use words or nicknames that might put them down. I don't even like seeing little kids in T shirts that say "Here Comes Trouble!" - it's like you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy when you give a child a nickname like that.
admin
23 May, 2011
I agree really interesting post Keris! Like Algarve mum we only use terms like "silly banana" "cheeky monkey" etc, and we also refer to ourselves in that way, when we do something in front on the children that we would normally pick them up on e.g. "Oh isn't mummy a silly banana for knocking the cup over at the table" etc.
In terms of t-shirts - I had not thought about that aspect before Joanne, and you raise and interesting point. I haven't previously had a problem with my son's "captain chaos" t shirt, but I do object strongly to little girl's (or boys for that matter) wearing t shirts with sexual connotations... but that's a topic for another day :-)
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
mum
23 May, 2011
Thanks, everyone.
Kim, that was something we noticed too - Harry would call one of us names and we'd tell him off, but we'd taught him in the first place!
Thanks, Joanne. I'm interested in NLP too, but hadn't even thought of it in this context, but you're right, of course. Totally with you on the T-shirts too - loathe them.
23 May, 2011
Great post! Top Ender and Big Boy have positive nicknames and yes if they do something silly I might say something like "Your so daft!", but I don't think I will after reading this lol.
24 May, 2011
Hey! You quoted me! But I don't mind because I think it's time parents did start thinking more about what they say to their children. As parents, we have far more power than we can ever imagine. It's wider than our own families too, we say it to our children and they say it to other children who say it to their family members... not funny. And one word I hate with a really big passion is 'numpty'. *shudders*