The sibling rivalry in my family goes back generations. Is there any way to stop the squabbling?
A history of squabbling
The sibling rivalry in my family can be traced back for generations. My mum spent many a Saturday morning locked in the pantry cupboard by her older brother, who was meant to be babysitting. Being a ‘glass half full’ kind of person she made the most of her incarceration by eating the contents of the sugar bowl while she was there.
For me, the pecking order was decided by the battle of who sat where in the car, as we vied for window seats. My brother, the eldest, was out from the house like a lightening flash to get first place, while my older sister would slink along slowly, ensuring she got the last available window seat. Pity me, the poor, unsuspecting youngest who would always end up squashed in the middle.
Now a mother of two, I notice the rivalry hasn’t skipped a generation and I’m often amazed at just what my daughters can find to bicker about. What colour cup they have, who gets to clean their teeth first - why do they even bother arguing about this stuff?
I wonder if the age gap between my children makes a difference to the level of squabbling. With three and a half years between them, my eldest daughter naturally has more freedom and privileges given to her but strangely it seems she's the one whose radar is most keenly tuned to picking up on any perceived unfairness or favouritism.
Maybe there’s more rivalry between children of the same sex? Kate, who blogs at giggling at it all, has two boys and a girl and has written about the clashes which happen most often between her sons. However Not a Notting Hill Mum has a son and a daughter and she says the different sexes still find plenty to squabble about.
It doesn’t seem to matter on the family set up either, siblings and step-siblings can be just the same. I grew up in a blended family, as did Susanne, who blogs at ghostwritermummy, and as she says one minute we may have been fighting but the next we’d be the best of friends again, blood relation or not.
Is it inevitable?
Fortunately the squabbles in our house, at this age at least, centre on minor issues and most of the time I approach them in the same way I dealt with toddler tantrums, ignoring arguments as much as possible. Sometimes though the rivalry drives me to distraction and I wonder if I should be doing more to keep the peace.
Grit, who has triplet girls, tells me sibling rivalry is alive and well in her house too and she’s tried lots of different techniques to deal with it. They’ve rehearsed conversations for when arguments crop up and she makes sure her girls get the chance to head off on individual activities, giving each of them a chance to shine. They even tried running a ‘girl of the day’ scheme for a time but the disputes still keep going strong.
So is it inevitable? How’s the sibling rivalry in your family and what do you do to tackle it?
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24 January, 2011
This is an interesting post. My sister is 4 years older than me and when I was born my Mom and I had to go into an incubation room where no-one else could come in and my sister had to be given some medication to calm her down as she was very upset that she couldn't get to her Mommy and this new baby came along and upset her apple cart and kind of took her Mommy away from her. I do hope she doesn't mind me telling everyone this. I really do think that this has affected the way that she feels about me and even though we are now the best of friends, and even more so since we lost our beloved Mom, there is still a tiny tiny part of her that is a little jealous of me.
My sis also says that she feels she paved the way for me in a lot of instances and things that she got told off for, were things that I got away with. I'm not sure she'll ever forgive me for this. I think that sibling rivalry is inevitable in most families, although I do feel that having your sister as your best friend is one of the best things in the world.
24 January, 2011
I have the same problem with my son (almost 7) and daughter (4) they play very well together at times and will announce that they love each other (making me want to hug them and cry!) And then the next minute are arguing over who gets to go in the house first (?) or declaring that one of them is staring at the other. This erupts into shouting and screaming and one ending up in tears. My husband and I are only children so the whole sibling things is totally alien to us.
admin
24 January, 2011
Great post Cathy - This is a subject that comes up daily in our house.
We have a girl and two boys, all exactly 2 years apart aged six, four and two. Ever since my first son was brought home, my daughter has been fighting with him (she swan dived him from the sofa at just a few days old whilst he was sleeping in his car seat). Like Susan, they will sometimes play together nicely for hours at a time, but two seconds later she'll be pushing past him to get down the stairs first, in the bath first, on the loo first (!) etc etc. The funny thing is that she is totally the opposite with her baby brother, who she thinks is her baby, and she carries him round the house, cuddles him, wants to feed him (he can feed himself she just likes to) and generally treats him like a dolly.
My husband and I can't understand it at all, and daily have to intervene whilst they fight and squabble as son #1 has started to lash out at her when she fights with him. They both get a lot of "step time" for these altercations, but I must admit I am nearing my wits end as I don't really know how to resolve the issue, and I feel like a total witch for constantly telling them off all day long.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how we could try and approach this from a different angle?
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
mum
24 January, 2011
I think Kim has a really interesting point about how an older sibling first encounters their new brother or sister can have an impact on their relationship for years to come. I hadn't thought about that while I was writing this.
And Leigh, as you've read I'm still working through this issue myself but my instinct says to approach it in the same way we did toddler tantrums and so on - be understanding, be consistent, ignore what you can and try and give more attention to the good stuff.
25 January, 2011
sibling rivalry has a positive side. people learn there's another point of view, they learn how to listen to someone they don't agree with, they learn about co-operation and sharing.
and these mini people learn useful employment strategies, too. how to conquer your enemy, how to compete while appearing to care, and how to stab someone in the back to get what you want. (hopefully not literally. that is sibling rivalry gone too far.)
admin
10 February, 2012
This is a great post, Cathy. I'm sure it's something that every family of more than one child experiences. It does in our household already!
My boys are quite young (3 and 1) but my 3 year old is quite obviously jealous of his little brother. I actually found quite a useful american article on sibling rivalry: http://www.empoweringparents.com/siblings-at-war-in-your-home.php#
.. and it suggests playing down jealousy where you can and pointing out that everyone gets jealous. Then it suggests saying, for example, that one child was brilliant at sports the other day and that the other got a great mark for their homework. Also the article suggests how, as parents, we tend to give the jealous child lots more attention because of their jealousy issues and that this may be telling the child that it's OK to feel they are a victim. It says it's far better to praise our children equally, dishing out little compliments here and there to all of them.
I know my boys are quite young, but I'm now putting into action this idea of not giving too much attention to the jealous one when I see his jealous pangs and I'm attempting to play down the situation wherever possible!
Sue
Ready For Ten Team