Do you slip your child a tenner for behaving at Granny's house? Would you buy them an iPhone for passing their spelling test?
When is a bribe an incentive?
I used to think bribing children was a really, really bad thing. Then I had to move countries in a hurry. Leaving the school, home and culture the girls had always known was a seriously big deal. How could I make the prospect of upping sticks more appealing? Getting a trampoline had, coincidentally, been on their wish lists forever. They also wanted a cat, quite desperately. I wasn't particularly proud of myself, but I soon found myself back in the UK, with a cat, a trampoline, and reasonably happy children.
Had these blatant bribes corrupted them or warped their sense of values? I really don't think so. Yet I still felt that bribery is best avoided. Until it was time to move again. And yes, you've guessed it, here we are in the new house, with kitten number two and an even bigger trampoline.
Star charts or slave labour?
I still wouldn't use bribery lightly. But I have been lucky, in that the girls have almost always been quite reasonable about things, and it's rare for me to have to push to get co-operation. When we have had a recurring problem -- getting up for school in the morning was a daily crunch point for a while after we moved -- we've used star charts, with a coveted book as a prize after 20 stars.
But is it wrong to use incentives to get results? That is, after all, how it works in the adult world. No one toils for free. Your reason to get up in the morning, if you're lucky, is job satisfaction, but it is also the pay packet at the end of the month. Ah, but, I hear you say, that money is earned. Well, children can earn too. A lot of parents I know use a bit of child labour in return for pocket money - washing the car, say, or clearing out a chimney, whoops, a spare room or something.
The lovely Englishmum, mother of two teenage boys, uses gentle reminders about pocket money to keep things shipshape at home. She says: "I'm ashamed to say that, like their mother, my children are generally motivated by money and cake (not necessarily in that order!) If you can call it bribery, I do insist on certain basic things being done around the house (hanging wet towels up, rinsing plates and putting them in the dishwasher) before handing over their money every month, and if things start to slacken off a bit, a quick reminder about their cash incentive is all I need to set them on the straight and narrow again."
Carrot or stick
I was very struck the other day when we went to a party thrown by my friend Helen. Her children were taking coats, handing round drinks and passing bowls of crisps to guests -- without running off and eating them all themselves.
"My children wouldn't be this helpful in a million years," I marvelled. "How did you do it?"
"Bribery," said Helen.
"They're each getting a fiver's worth of downloads from iTunes straight after the party."
The result of this deal was happy children, happy parents, cosseted -- and impressed -- guests. Was anyone's moral code warped? I don't think so. And yet, it's still not for me. Businesswoman blogger Erica Douglas of Littlemummy and mother of Erin, agrees.
"We don't really do the bribery thing, we're definitely more stick (not an actual stick obviously!) than carrot but I think that reflects real life.We're pretty lucky that most of the time Erin trusts our judgement and that we're doing what's best for her too."
Family business
Jane Alexander, whose blog Diaries of a Desperate Exmoor Woman has a huge following, has her own take on the issue.
"I don't use bribery and never have. I have always explained toJames that we do things to help one another, because we are a family, not because we expect to get anything out of it.
"I know that sounds a bit worthy but I have always felt it was really important. However, from a very early age he would sometimes get a treat if he'd been a big help.Not always, so it didn't become an expectation;. Now he's older, I will pay him for bigger tasks - trimming a hedge for example.
"Or, if he goes shopping, I'll let him get a chocolate bar or keep the small change. But I feel very strongly that children should learn from an early age that families should pull together, help one another, do things without an expectation of reward."
I'm with Jane on this. I do think families should have a communal spirit which rises above who gets paid how much for what. At the same time, I think the children should have a bit of pride in their own independent efforts. I'm always a bit shocked, for example, when the girls come home, telling me so-and-so got a new iPhone for doing well in this exam or that. Surely the point of these exams is not to please the parents, who then have to reward the child for doing well? The child is doing the work for themselves, in this case, for their future. And what do you do if the child does not pass the exam? Take the phone away?
My parents had a strict policy of not rewarding children for exam performance and, though I thought they were mean/cruel/borderline evil at the time, I now follow the same course. And I would be quite happy if my daughters went on and did likewise with their own children when the time comes. Though I will reserve a grandparent's right to bribe them with sweeties, rubbishy toys and unsuitable DVDs to come and see me, of course.
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mum
01 November, 2011
I think it depends on the child. I have never been a bribing mum with Maxi, just having clear expectations and understanding what is expected of him has always been sufficient. He is eager to please, but MIni is another story. The stick doesn't work with him, never has. He just doesn't care. His attitude baffles me as it is so not our own. So carrot it is, but only little carrots. Stickers often do the trick. I try not to be smug about anyones parenting choices. It is a hard job and I am sure there are more than one way to do it
editor
01 November, 2011
Hi Alice, thanks for such a brilliant piece bringing together so many views. When my girls were younger it would never have entered my head to offer to pay my daughters to do things. I must admit now it does now and again and I keep trying to get them to help with my work too! Emily has cottoned on to the fact that there is pay available for certain tasks but unfortunately it comes from other people - so she wants to set up a dog walking business. I well remember my mum and dad saying they wanted me to work hard and do my best at school and not wanting to buy me stuff for doing so, I'm the same with my girls. But when we have been to parents' evening and I have come out crying for the right reasons then I have treated them. I don't consider that a bribe, it has been quite spontaneous.
01 November, 2011
I don't know how much of it is bribing and how much is reward and how much is just because. Charlotte has always done everything expected (and then some) so we've often thanked her with an app she liked or a book she wanted. Most of the times, the item asked for is something we as a family like also.
I don't think we've ever said 'if you do this, you'll get this' - we're more likely to say 'because you were so good, would you like ...'
There are different techniques for different kids - I know I was completely different then my daughter and bribery (candy only) was the only thing that worked. Not even money as that just meant wasting time to go to the store to get the candy.
At the end of the day, it's a balance of what works for your family. Charlotte doesn't expect things or rewards (2 exceptions but even then she's had to wait years for). But I worked with kids that loved the satisfaction of reward charts - it worked for them.
01 November, 2011
I'm sitting on the fence for this debate. There are times when I'm so proud of my son for his good behaviour that I've rewarded him. There are times when I want him to behave well and I have said that if he's good I'll treat him. Our treats though are only ever small things, maybe some sweets or a cheap toy.
I do know people who treat their kids with expensive gifts and it just makes the kids bratty and expect that type of gift all the time and don't appreciate the value of anything. I still think that spending time with your kids is far more important than giving them material things and if you can't be bothered to spend time with your kids which I see from so many parents these days, your kids will end up being needy attention seekers.
I can quite understand why people do feel the need to bribe their kids. Not sure if I'm being a cruel parent or using bribery when I tell Ollie that Nanny McPhee will come and live with us if he doesn't behave! Is that bribery or not?
01 November, 2011
Kim, I'm with you, I think (she says, sounding all indecisive). I've rewarded good behaviour, and offered rewards to behave too, but I don't think we over do it.
We have recently introduced a chart of things we expect our girls to do each week, things like keep bedrooms tidy, make sure their homework is done, to remind them of house rules, and what's expected for them to get their pocket money. They can earn a bit extra by doing other jobs too, which to be honest, they really love doing. I see this as a reminder of what we do to help each other, rather than a bribe or incentive, and though we often forget to actually give them their pocket money (oops) they rarely remind us, and are not greedy about it. I agree with Jen that there's more than one way to do things, and when you find a way that works well for your family - enjoy and get on with it! Great thought provoking piece Alice.
admin
01 November, 2011
This is a really interesting post Alice! We use a bit of both in our house actually. I do remind my children that in a family of five we all need to do things we don't necessarilly want to do, because it takes a lot of effort to run a house for this many people. So we introduced "one minute tidy ups" to see how many toys everyone could pick up in 1 minute, and we set the timer on the cooker. I help too so that it's a team effort, and you'd be surprised how many toys you can lob in a basket in just a minute. Even my two year old likes to play.
At the dinner table however we always struggle with my middle son who won't eat {insert large list of food that is good for you}. My six year old daughter on the other hand eats anything. So when she's finished her dinner, I make a BIG point of saying "because you've eaten all your dinner darling, would you like a lovely yoghurt/ice cream/cupcake?" and make a really big deal about how delicious it is , and how much chocolate sauce she'd like etc. That normally spurs him on to eat a few more carrots :-) I agree with Helen it really depends on what works for your family.
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
02 November, 2011
I love the idea of a one minute tidy up - I'm definitely going to try that in our house! Oliver won a certificate at school before half term for "great tidying up" so a reward could be something as simple as that and doesn't even have to have a monetary value to it. Agree with Helen too that they could earn extra money by doing extra jobs. Another great idea. What works for one family, doesn't work for another so you have to find a way that fits in with your family and your life.
mum
02 November, 2011
Interesting piece, Alice. We've used sticker charts in the past and rewards and incentives, I think the word 'bribery' does have bad connotations. When he did well on his school report, I did buy him a treat but it was after the event. not before. I didn't want him to equate working hard with getting a treat. When I was much younger I was a nanny and the mother bribed them basically every day - it got pretty ludicrous and they would only 'behave' if they got something.
admin
16 February, 2012
They must have been hard to be around, Alison - the children who would only behave if they got something. I guess that is the risk of being so regular with bribes.
I do a similar 'delicious pudding', 'yummy chocolate' type thing too, Leigh. When my 3 year old boy is being too fussy with his food (which happens a lot), I keep praising my 1 year old very loudly, who usually finishes all his food quite quickly, and I tell my 3 year old what available pudding there is on offer .. and it does usually work!
I'm guessing that as my kids get older, I will feel like treating them here and there when they do great or brave things - I don't think spontaneous rewards count as bribery. I think also that I'll probably create a jobs list to be ticked off in return for their pocket money and I don't think this counts as bribery either.
However, I am already guilty of bribery! I tell my 3 year old that if he's good while we do the supermarket shopping, he can have a magazine (which comes with a toy). We go to the magazine section at the end of the shopping - only if there have been no tantrums.
I do other odd bits of bribery here and there - 'the soft play place is only for boys who have been good - if you can't be good then we're not going!' type thing .. I guess I need to keep a tab on the types of instances I use bribery in - I wouldn't want my kids to only behave if they knew they were getting something!
Sue
Ready For Ten Team