My son says "it's okay my dad will do it" too often. He needs to take care of things himself.
We have a battle most mornings -- most school mornings. Our starts to the day can be a little strained, we are often working against the clock and mindful of doing things in the right order to avoid having to do them again.
It’s a battle of wills. Mine is a will for my son to do as many of these tasks on his own as possible, while he knows that I may cave in to speed up the process.
School highlighted that I may have assisted him more than perhaps I should have. It was obvious he was expected to be much more independent than he was being at home. Children were generally left to their own devices, tasks such as dressing and undressing as well as taking responsibility for all their PE kit were down to them on their own.
Admirable manipulation
For ease and speed at home I would generally pull a t-shirt over his head, open the straps of his shoes and get a tissue for his permanently running nose. He didn't really have to concern himself with where his stuff lived either as I would tidy it away too.
I can remember being in the corridor near his classroom and overhearing his teacher asking him to put his coat on.
“It’s okay, my dad will do it,” he said.
Part of me admires him greatly for his manipulation. I am very much of the attitude that if someone is daft enough to do it for you, then why bother doing it yourself?
Doing him no favours
Shame it’s me who’s the daft one now.
But it isn’t just me that my child includes in his pampering entourage, the grandparents are much, much worse.
Just this weekend I turned my head to witness his grandmother feeding him his Sunday lunch.
I nearly knocked the fork out of her hand.
“You’re doing him no favours.” I protested.
Thing is, it is really frustrating, painfully so sometimes, to sit and watch a child take an age over something. But this, in my son’s case, is generally because he is not concentrating, or trying to do something else at the same time.
He puts on a great show, pretending to be upset at not being able to complete the task assigned to him quickly, hoping someone will take over.
But he now gets the how-will-you-ever-learn-to-do-it doctrine.
Granted, there are still times when he ‘wins’ but more often than not I insist he do things for himself, even if it makes us late for something.
Interestingly this week, while he was getting undressed for a bath, he told a story of how one of his older classmates had been teased because he couldn’t put his socks back on.
I explained it probably wasn't entirely fair to tease and that it probably wasn't this child's fault. And I emphasized that by being able to do these things for yourself you can eliminate the opportunity for others to taunt you.
His all-knowing grin told me he understood, and also that he is much more able than he lets on.
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expert
22 February, 2011
I'm really firm about my kids doing stuff for themselves. I remember a phase of Toby saying "Mummy do it" but it was quite cute then as he was two. I am always horrified to go round to the houses of people with older kids to see their mums picking up after them and I know a mother who still puts out her kids clothes even though the eldest is now 12 - he'll probably turn into the type of man who expects his wife to do the same. FWIW, I think it's particularly important for boys. Sorry, rant over.....:)
mum
22 February, 2011
Ah. This sounds very familar. My daughter has started saying she can't do things for herself because she has "just sat down". She seems to expect me to do everything but I'm saying no now. It's just too exhausting. Your comment about grandparents - 100% true in our case! Granny is a push-over.
22 February, 2011
I have to admit that I am another parent who likes to get things done quickly, particularly in the morning when time is limited and my patience is a little frazzled! There are also times when I will load my daugher's fork for her but, at six, I won't feed her. For one, my husband would go mad!! My son (14 months) is completely opposite- so independent and stubborn and he won't let anyone do anything for him at all. My daughter never fed herself even a piece of toast until she was about two, she can be really lazy!
admin
22 February, 2011
I'm so guilty of this too Ian! My nearly six year old daughter takes forever to get dressed in the morning. She can do it, she just does it so slowly and I get frustrated with her and end up doing it to hurry the process along, as I have myself, and her two brothers to help get dressed as well before we dash out of the door at 8.15am.
You have reminded me though that it is me getting stressed about it, not her, and that if I put a little more thought and pre-planning into the morning routine, perhaps she would have a little more time to get herself dressed and in time get quicker at it. It's got to be worth a go right :-)
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
dad
22 February, 2011
Catherine, I have become firm having seen the error of my ways. However my mother highlighted that she used to tend to me rather a lot, and my treatment of the fairer sex has always been beyond reproach
Rosie, I am with you, and I no longer tolerate the 'I'm too busy'. Especially when most of the time stuff he wants, like drinks and snacks, should be motivation on their own to get off his hind.
Susanne, interesting that you have chalk and cheese children. I could do with my son being a little less lazy. We are getting there, as he is not too keen on being late for school, so while he may protest, he will generally get himself sorted in a morning now.
Leigh, absolutely right. A friend of mine has insisted that their son gets dressed in the morning before he is even issued with breakfast, and he likes breakfast. Apparently it took nearly two weeks of protesting, but he is regularly the first dressed now.
mum
24 February, 2011
Yeah, the promise of food would motivate me :)
We've always insisted on our daughter helping to put things away, and she's very independent (apparently my favourite phase as a small child was "I do it myself!"), but I also find I'm usually in too much of a hurry to get her dressed and consequently give more help than is neccessary. Time to work on my time management skills.
expert
25 February, 2011
Sorry to state the obvious but if you are dressing your children because you don't have enough time, is it worth considering getting up ten minutes earlier? Although I do remember when I suddenly realised that if the kids got dressed before breakfast it would make my life a lot easier. No idea why I hadn't thought of it earlier. I also went through a phase of making them get their shoes on immediately after breakfast before they could watch TV or play as that always used to be a flashpoint.