What do you do on Mother's Day when your mum is no longer around?
My son hasn't had a mother with whom to celebrate Mother’s Day since my wife died in August 2005.
He was just six months when she passed away, and this Sunday will be his sixth Mothering Sunday without her.
People always seem to become extra sympathetic to his situation at this time of year. I wish they wouldn’t.
It's only natural for the absence of a mother to become more obvious on a day when their worth is celebrated, and I understand why people might find it a difficult subject to approach, whether that's with him, or the two of us.
Yet I think this is actually a great time for us to celebrate her. It's also a reminder for others to really appreciate what they have.
Gone but not forgotten
Just because my son’s mother is not physically here I fail to accept she ceases to exist in every sense. She will always be his mother, regardless.
At school, children commonly prepare a card or a little present for their mothers, and while I don’t insist that my son does too, I like to ensure he is given that opportunity.
I want him best prepared to counter a ‘but you don’t have a mum’ argument, which people may be prone to come out with.
In the end, he may choose not to make a card, he may choose to make one for someone else in his family – a grandmother or auntie – or he may actually choose to prepare something for his mum.
Changing Mother's Day
This year he murmured something about this Sunday being what can be thought of as ‘favourite female day ’ That means we all choose our number one lady and give her a card and present.
I take an honest approach with my boy, which is why I pulled him up on this.
I took the opportunity to reaffirm what Mothering Sunday is and what his choices are. We discussed the decisions he had made and how he felt about it all.
And rather than this being an uncomfortable conversation which upset him, we had a lovely moment over it.
He had come home with shortbread and a card, which he intended to give to one of his grandmas. After we’d gone through what I thought his options were, it appeared he had found his own way of still making sure they reached his mum.
“I keep Mummy in my heart, and I guess I could say they pass through her on the way to my stomach.”
I'm not wholly sure his motives were entirely wonderful, but a beautiful moment all the same.
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01 April, 2011
This has brought tears. What a lovely Dad you are.
I think Mother's Day should be treated exactly how you are treating it, a great time to get the photos out and talk about happy memories. I hope you have a happy day on Sunday.
mum
01 April, 2011
Max is wonderful. And what a wonderful dad you are to him too. You may not want to hear that, but I'm saying it anyway. How you have dealt with all of this is amazing, Ian. I've read a lot of your posts about single parenting and I've actually learnt a lot from you about how to get it right. I've changed my own approach as a result. Getting a little emotional now. I'll be off.
mum
01 April, 2011
That is so touching - I love his thinking about the shortbread. I think you're doing a marvellous job - his Mum would be so proud of both of you.
expert
01 April, 2011
So touching. My mother also died young, and in retrospect I wish I had been encouarged to do things like this.
expert
01 April, 2011
Another one moved to tears here. Best wishes to you both and I hope you have a lovely Sunday.
mum
01 April, 2011
Gorgeous post, Ian.
01 April, 2011
This is an absolutely beautiful piece Ian, what a lovely son you have :)
mum
02 April, 2011
What a lovely touching post. I like the shortbread decision too.
04 April, 2011
This is a lovely piece Ian. My Mom is no longer here and I'm always a little sad on Mothers Day even though I have my own son now. What a lovely way to celebrate - specially the shortbread!
admin
04 April, 2011
I agree with everyone above, this is a wonderful post, and a wonderful way for your son to celebrate his mum's life. He should definately not be discouraged from making gifts and cards for her if he wishes to do so, and it's lovely to hear that you encourage it so deeply.
I'm with him on the shortbread decision too - obviously he is a genius as well as a very thoughful little boy :-)
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team