For me, that means embracing his feminine side.
What is your definition of a real man?
Is it one who can chop down trees, down pints of beer in five seconds and one that never ever cries?
Or is it someone more in touch with popular culture, one more interested in his appearance, a ‘metrosexual’ perhaps?
I’m a single dad raising a six-year-old boy and I'm not a fan of either stereotype.
Are you a boy or a girl?
When my son was a baby and then a toddler I was mindful not to let prejudice dictate his appearance and what toys and with whom he played. I let his hair grow long because I liked the way it looked -- simple as that -- and I am very proud of the fact that he has decided to keep it longer despite regularly being called ‘a girl’.
In a way I actually enjoy it when other children and adults accuse him of being "girly". While it sometimes upsets him, it drives us into conversation as to why people can say those things, and I think it all leads to him having a greater understanding of ill judged perceptions and being more comfortable with liking something that no one else does.
Together or apart?
Some comments I’ve had from parents, particularly dads, really have alarmed me. Their disapproval and discomfort that I may be going against some unwritten male code comes right to the surface.
One father recently told me he wouldn’t let his two boys, four and six, play with girls. I was appalled. I really don’t like it when children refuse to play with others of the opposite sex.
Okay, some children may share no common interests and I have no problem with that, but to exclude someone immediately due to their gender is terribly short-sighted, and is actually encouraging discrimination.
I was surprised this man shared his boys only philosophy with me, especially as it is not uncommon to see my lad gleefully playing with girls as well as boys. Perhaps he was trying to tell me I shouldn’t allow it.
But it isn’t just men. One grandma recently commented to me that we obviously wouldn’t be going to a school screening of the Disney movie Tangled, because it was a girls' film. And I may, or may not, have produced a lengthy riposte and diatribe including how Tinker Bell is amongst our favourite films, and that of course we’d be going.
So while I’m not about to ban Star Wars and playing cricket in the garden in favour of plaiting our hair together and making daisy chains, don’t be surprised to see us embracing either of those things.
More reading on girls and boys:
Ellen says it is better to be raising boys as feminists
Tara explains why she is proud of her tomboy
Photo posed by model.
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mum
08 July, 2011
Well said Ian. I have no idea where this division between boys' things and girls' things came about, but it really isn't helpful. Power to your boy for making his own choices.
mum
09 July, 2011
Great post Ian. I was really shocked by the parent who said he wouldn't let his sons play with girls - seriously?? That's appalling! What kind of relationships are they going to have with women when they're older? They won't even know how to talk to them, let alone actually relate to them!
mum
10 July, 2011
Agree with you 100% Ian. Not allowing your children to play with girls? How incredibly short sighted. And Tangled is a great film!
dad
10 July, 2011
Thanks Ellen, and it's an interesting subject to research.
I know Jo, I thought he was joking when I first heard him saying it. And he works for one of the emergency services. Not what I would expect at all.
It sure is Alison, I think Tinker Bell and Tangled are two of the finer Disney Pixar creations. And it makes me more of a man for knowing so, I reckon.
admin
11 July, 2011
Hi Ian and thanks for sharing your views so beautifully. I have a daughter and two sons, and they are surrounded by each other's friends all the time, and it's never crossed my mind that it is any other way for other children. I can't believe that in the world we now live, people are still so hung up on gender separation, and what is girlie and what is not. My son plays dress-up with his sister, and often sports a pink fairy dress, wings and a sword, and we don't bat an eyelid over it. I think that if your son feels loved, is secure in himself and at home, and happy in general, you've done a great job!
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
mum
19 July, 2011
I love this post, Ian. Thank you. (And the title of Tangled was apparently chosen to not discourage boys, because Disney felt they'd scored a bit of an own goal with The Princess & the Frog which boys wouldn't touch.) (My boy loved it.)