Expert post: How to help your child be more confident

We're all born with 100% confidence - when did you last see an unconfident newborn baby? As we grow and learn about the world and our own abilities, that confidence can wobble. But if we had it once we can get it again.

The word confidence derives from the Latin com fidere meaning 'with faith or trust'.  So it's not about doing everything right.  It's about having faith in yourself, trusting that you can deal with whatever you encounter in life. It's about going for it rather than being held back by fear.

This is why babies are so confident - they don't know enough about the world to be afraid of it, so they have no reason to feel unconfident. 

Q. How can I help my child to become more confident?

• Encourage new experiences
  This will increase your child's sense of when they feel safe by stretching their comfort zone. This could mean trying new food, attending an after school class or simply climbing a different tree in the park.
• Praise their achievements
  Don't wait until they bring home a project from school. If you see them doing something good, mention it. Your child's sense of self-worth will stay strong when they are secure in the knowledge that you are 100% on their side.
• Respect their choices
  Your child probably will want to wear clothes you hate and read books you think are rubbish. But they will take criticism to heart, so refrain from commenting, even if you disapprove.
• Acknowledge their feelings
  To do this you need to listen, which isn't always easy for a busy parent. Encourage them to name their own feelings and deal with them: "I can see you're unsure about X...what are you afraid might happen?" etc.
• Put a mirror in their room
  There are lots of confidence-boosting exercises for adults which involve looking in a mirror and telling yourself how great you are. Some experts feel that having a mirror in their bedroom can help children grow up with a better self-image. I can't find any definite proof for this, but it makes sense and can't hurt to try.
• Encourage physical activity
  If your child is prone to worry and over-thinking, any physical exercise will shift their focus away from the head and towards the body. It's a natural de-stresser.
• Get expert help
  Rosie writes here about how much her daughter benefited from a self-esteem group run by her school.
• Keep a happy book
  If you have a child who loves notebooks, encourage her to write down the good parts of her day, and the things she did well.

Q. My confidence isn't great, but I'd like my daughter's to be better. How can I help her be more confident than I am?

Talking about your own feelings is a great way to connect with your child. It can be a great comfort to them to know that grown ups feel scared and unsure sometimes too.

Since you are your child's greatest role model, probably the best way to suport her confidence is to do some work on your own. Coach Yourself To Confidence is a great little book that will help you do this. It's now out of print, but you can get a second-hand copy on Amazon for only a penny. Another classic which will help is Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.

Q. My son seems so much shyer than his friends. How can I encourage him to be more outgoing?

Try not to compare your child to others too much, and support him as an individual. Many parents of boisterous boys may envy your son's quiet nature. My son is quite reserved (other people say shy!) and I have had to learn to appreciate him for this, rather than try and push him to be something he isn't.

Follow the tips given above, but let your child set the pace. This may be slower than you would like. For example, you may still be staying with him at parties when his peer group are happy to be left alone. Keep gently encouraging new experience and praising his efforts. Confidence levels are not constant - they will go up and down in time, and this is normal 
 

Useful resources

Dr Wayne Dyer is an expert in motivation, and has written a series of personal development books for younger children. Incredible You! is a good one for children of around six who need a confidence boost

More tips here on building your child's self esteem

What have you done to encourage your child's confidence? Leave a comment below