When you have more than one child, you can run yourself ragged trying to be fair to all of them. At last, I think we've got it sussed.
I spend a lot of quality time with my children. But relishing one on one time with my daughter is something I appear to have overlooked recently -- and this upset her.
When I listened to what she had to say, it became apparent that she is feeling a little bit pushed out. I must add this isn't a deliberate act. As she has become older she takes part in more social activities and so I spend more time alone with her brother. When she comes home, our time is limited and usually taken up with homework and chaotic bedtime routines all in the presence of a younger, tired and more demanding brother. This situation has created unnecessary sibling rivalry and left her feeling a little short changed in the attention department.
I admit I've been missing spending time with her too. Short snatches of time taken up with rushed routines isn't much fun for me either. So after having a think about how I could make things better, it turns out it really wasn't that difficult and a few small changes have made the world of difference to both me and her, reducing both our stress levels.
I have been making sure that my son is in bed by no later than 7pm. This is actually beneficial for him as he's a child who needs a good long sleep. I've altered my daughter's bedtime to 8.30pm which gives us all that extra time to spend together -- distraction free, every evening. I don't make a big deal of planning activities, sometimes she has a book she'd like me to read, or a game she'd like to play together. More often than not she likes to help out with whatever I'm doing and just chat.
The improvements in her behaviour are immense. She's happier and tells me a lot more about her day. She's also a lot less jealous of her brother. The biggest improvement is that she is falling asleep a lot quicker and with no trouble at night.
As for spending one on one time with her brother, we fit this in when he first comes in from school. He's only four and this is the time he needs me most. He needs to tell me about his day as soon as he's home otherwise he just forgets what he has done.
I can't believe just a few simple changes have enabled our family life to run so much more smoothly.
Ellen recently discussed on Ready for Ten her struggle with synchronising quality time with her children and how she planned to make the time.
How do you ensure you spend one on one time with your children? Do your children enjoy spending time with you in this way? If you have several children how do you cope with fitting everyone in?
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editor
05 May, 2010
Thanks for this thought-provoking post. As a mum of twins, I've often had what can be described as pretty much a nightmare when it comes to balancing one on one time with my girls and beat myself up about how much or how little of it we have managed. But I find that time so special. In general I think that we worry too much, our children are loved and have a roof over their head, I think that we need to help them appreciate that the way life is they can't always have that cherished one on one time, sometimes Mum or Dad will be too busy and as much as we would like to, we can't manage any more. I hope that mums and dads can find their own way, be kind to themselves and not expect the world.
mum
05 May, 2010
Oh well done you for finding out what the problem was and coming up with a clever solution.
With five children mine probably don't get that much one to one and I do feel guilty. We started a date thing where every so many weeks they individually get to pick a parent and an activity (nothing too expensive, cinema, pizza, a swim etc). They love it and so do we. Sometimes though it does get put on the back burner (more guilt).
admin
05 May, 2010
It's really hard isn't it! My five year old daughter has also been feeling a little pushed out (because of me over-compensating with middle child to ensure he doesn't feel left out) and it's a real struggle to get the balance right. I love your idea about adjusting bedtime Wendy and think that this is a great way to make time for her. We already do that with our baby and middle one as they share a room, so a staggered bedtime should work a lot better.
I also love the idea of special dates with your children and this is something I'm definately going to try. I already spend most days with our baby (11 months) but sharing a little more quality time between the other two would be lovely for all. Thanks for your great suggestions.
Leigh
Ready for Ten team
05 May, 2010
As a working mum, I struggle to make time for one on one attention with my daughter -- and I've only got one child so far! I was really interested though to see the BBC programme recently 'The British Family: Children'. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00q08ft)
Kirsty Young pointed out that the notion of quality time is relatively new as when we were kids -- and certainly when our parents were kids -- mums had to spend so much time running the house without the benefit of efficient modern conveniences (dishwashers, washing machines, tumble dryers, hoovers that actually work..., home shopping delivery) that they rarely managed 'quality time' with their kids.
It makes sense to me that as our world becomes increasingly convenient, we should be able to spend more time on the things that really matter, like quality time with our kids.
mum
05 May, 2010
I agree with Lou. Even though I only have one child, there have been times when I just haven't been able to give her enough attention as the result of the other demands on my time, especially as I sometimes I work projects to complete after I get home from school. I do make sure that I set time aside for her and at those times the computer goes off and the telephone isn't answered. I also have to make sure I don't start checking emails on my phone -- she has pointed out to me that I used to do this when we were in the park together. At least she pointed out my error. So it is difficult with one, I would imagine it is even harder with two or more.
06 May, 2010
I find it really tough now I'm a lone parent with 2 kids. My daughter is at school all day and my son in nursery every afternoon. At 3 he hates sharing me with his sister even though he gets the lion's share of me time.
She sometimes stays up well past a suitable bedtime for a 6 year old just so she gets time to herself with me. I also pay for my son to stay late at nursery one night a week so she gets tea with just me.
Looking forward to moving near my parents so that I can do things with both children individually and not worry about the other one.
06 May, 2010
@Lou - that is a good point and I agree 'quality time' with children does seem to be a new concept. However I remember when I was a child although my mum was very busy with the housework this was always something we helped out with and so I suppose the quality time was still there. In creating the extra time for my daughter she really isn't too bothered what we do and is even happy to just help out with housework and chat.
And thanks for taking time to comment :)
06 May, 2010
@Rosie - ooh I have to watch that to - I often check emails on my phone without even realising I'm doing it.... I've been told off by girly a few times over that!
@Deb - I love the date idea, it's great! I think I may start that!
@Leigh - just moving the bedtime even by a small amount - makes a big difference I think - I love it now - evenings are much calmer!
06 May, 2010
@Becky - Yes it is lovely living near parents - mine do help out quite a lot with my children too. My son also hates sharing me which is why it's great for me to spend the time with my daughter once he's asleep and he knows nothing about it ;)
mum
06 May, 2010
Really good thoughts from this post, thanks Wendy. I love Deb's date idea. I wonder... I've also started deliberately making time for Boy Two who, in a way, demands it least. His big brother and the baby both have ways of forcing me to be with them, Boy Two doesn't.