Christmas tips for blended families

“So if the baby is my half brother, how come his dad is my step dad, not my half dad?” It’s coming up to Christmas and my eight-year-old’s thoughts are turning to the forthcoming family gathering.

Only this year he and his 11-year-old brother won’t be spending it with their half brother and step dad. For us Christmas varies. One year my older sons go to their dad’s house in Wales and the next year they stay at home.

“So we’ll be with our step-mum. We don’t have any halves there yet. Although Uncle T is dad’s half brother, isn’t he?”
My son has just about grasped who’s who in his tangled family tree.

While, over the years we’ve learned a few things that help the season go smoothly whoever is there, we usually find something that catches us out.

A week or so ago, I was really struggling to find my Christmas spirit and my grumpiness was in danger of taking the sparkle off the children’s festive build up. Then I realised I’d forgotten to plan for seasonal fun. This year’s lesson seems to be to anticipate the sticky moments and plan for them.

Over the years I’ve learned a few other things too:

For us, taking turns is much easier than trying to get together for the sake of the kids. Other people manage it, but children can be sensitive to tensions.

Build some new traditions. Christmas isn’t broken just because you’re doing it differently. Traditions can often be the things that glue families together. Joanne wrote a lovely warm post about her Christmas traditions and their importance.

Pick your battles carefully... especially about presents. It’s very hard to stop the Other Side from spending what, in your opinion, is far too much on presents. Trying to control just causes everyone stress and that way you’ll have more impact when you do need to put your foot down over the issues that really matter.

Don’t try to compete. Children might love presents, but they aren’t daft. They may try – and succeed – in making you feel bad because you can’t give as much, but stand firm as the chances are they’re just chancing their arms. (Mine were, especially during the Great Mobile Phone Campaign)

Cut the children some slack. Christmas is an exciting enough time without being faced with the upheaval of spending a chunk of the holiday away from home. While my boys love the time with their dad, they do find the visit can make them feel unsettled in ways they can’t begin to articulate. Unfortunately, this shows up in bouts of beastly behaviour, but a little understanding can calm the storm.

If you do feel things are coming unstuck, there are a great many resources available to families however they are configured.

Sara’s post on resources for divorced parents is full of advice and I rounded up a few in a post on blending families in harmony.