My son's on Facebook - so what?

My name is Ellen and I let my son join facebook when he was 11. There, I said it. Did I do something awful? 

He was nagging fairly insistently – apparently there is an “awesome” game you can only access by joining Facebook. His friends, he said, are ALL on it and that’s how he knew all about it. 

So I let him join, fixed the security settings, wrote down his password and let him play the game. After all, I rationalised, he’s going to need to learn about this stuff. 

That was a few months ago and he’s all but lost interest in it. I think he was less than impressed by the fact that Facebook came with being friended by his grandmother and his aunt, both of whom wanted to ask him about school. Hardly edgy stuff. 

I’m sure when his younger brother, who is nine, asks I’ll let him join too under the same basis. He’s much more gregarious but I believe he has to learn how the thing works, under supervision. 

They grow up too fast 

Many parents disagree though. Suzy A said: “Have seen what other kids put on there at this age and it's scary. I'd like him to have a childhood for a bit longer thanks. Also the idea of online bullying worries me.”

A few months ago Ready For Ten’s Alison said she too wasn’t sure she’d let her son join. 

Another mum Tracey C said: “Mine like it for the games and we control which and how long. But I have seen some really inappropriate adult posts which appear on the kids’ walls. I feel terrible not friending kids who invite me to (who I know) but that way there can be no wrongdoing.”

Tracey raises an interesting point about other people’s kids. It’s all very well being friends with your own, or even nieces and nephews, but what about your friends’ kids, your kids’ friends? 

But everyone is doing it...

But the reality is a bit like speeding and exceeding the alcohol unit recommendations, it happens – children use Facebook. Often with the sanction of their parents.

Indeed, some would go as far as saying they let their kids on Facebook then friend them in order to see what they’re up to. In fact, my mother says that’s what she likes best about being my Facebook friend, but then I’m somewhat over the age of vulnerability. 

Fiona M said: “We have just let our son join. He has been at us for about two years but we said he had to wait until he was 13. That's the only reason I joined too so I could keep an eye!”

Incidentally, those of us who helped our kids sign up to Facebook “underage” – it’s a Facebook policy not a legality – all had to fill in a false age in the form. I remember doing it and thinking: “This sets a rotten example.”

Keep close tabs on them

But past the dishonest form filling, there are many happy parents and younger kids Facebooking away safely. 

Emma B’s seven-year-old daughter is on Facebook. She said: “I monitor by also being her friend and I can see what she writes whenever I want. I also know passwords. She friends family and school friends and she is not allowed to add anyone she doesn’t know or from older years, unless we know them from somewhere else e.g. dancing.”

Brianne J said: “My son is in year seven and, as it stands, I’m not comfortable about the whole Facebook  msn thing however when he does go it we monitor by being friends as well as knowing passwords.

Wendy M’s daughter is nine and on Facebook. “She always asks me if she can accept friend requests or like pages and shows me things that she isn't sure of. I am her friend on FB, but I never access her account without her permission as I want to nurture a trusting relationship and avoid the need for online secrecy, which is something that will be more important as she gets older.”

Their future will be online

That’s a good point. It seems easy enough to keep a younger child safe on Facebook by monitoring their moves and watching what they’re doing, but the job might not be so straightforward as they get older. 

It seems to me that helping them use Facebook and explaining what the dangers as you go might set the scene for calm, safe use in the future when they get out from under your nose. 

Facebook themselves say that “safety is an ongoing conversation among everyone who uses the network”. And they post extensive safety advice that is updated frequently. 

The top tips are: 

• It can be tough to keep up with technology. Don’t be afraid to ask your kids to explain it to you.
   
• If you're not already on Facebook, consider joining. That way you'll understand what it's all about!
   
• Create a Facebook group for your family so you will have a private space to share photos and keep in touch.
   
• Teach your children the online safety basics so they can keep their Facebook Profile (and other online accounts) private and safe.
   
• Talk about technology safety just like you talk about safety while driving and playing sports.

And CEOP (The Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre) has some guidelines for all social networks. 

• Encourage kids only to upload pictures that you would be happy to see – anything too sexy to be passed round the dinner table should NOT make it on to the web. It's also not a good idea to post pictures which can identify the school which your child attends since this could help someone locate them.
   
• Tell your children not to post their phone number or email address on their homepage.
   
• Help your child to adjust their account settings so that only approved friends can instant message them. 
   
• Encourage them not to give too much away. Friends can call them for the address of the latest party rather than read about it on their site.
   
• Ask them to show you how to use a social networking site - getting involved will empower them to share the experience with you.