Confidence is key. But we don't want to create little monsters.
As a single mother of two daughters, bringing up girls who are independent, courageous and not afraid to fight their corner is incredibly important to me. I want them to believe that as individuals, and particularly as women, that they can be anything they want to be. I want them to aim high.
There’s just one little problem…
In my efforts to turn my eight-year-old into a confident, independent young child, I appear to have created a monster.
Oops.
Firm but fair
While her ability to jump up onto the kitchen counters, fetch down mugs, and make us both a cup of tea is useful, her feisty streak is bordering on arrogance. So convinced is she that she is practically a grown-up, that my firm but fair requests for her to do simple tasks such as clean her teeth before bed are usually met with heavy sarcasm, often accompanied by the rolling of eyes and the stamping of feet.
“Right,” she’ll say, her voice oozing with scorn, “so I’ll just abandon my hot chocolate, completely miss the end of this new episode of Hannah Montana, just to clean my teeth shall I? Fantastic.”
“Um yes,” I’ll answer timidly, “it is bedtime, so that’s the general idea, yes.”
“Of course,” replies Belle - cue stomping and dramatic fake jollity. “Bedtime, wonderful! Thanks for making my life so marvellous.”
These outbursts leave me in something of a dilemma. On the one hand I have to resist the urge to turn into Victorian Mummy, slap her legs and send her to bed with no supper, but on the other hand, she is so serious looking that I sometimes can’t help but laugh. And trust me, laughing does not go down well…
Strike a balance
There’s also a part of me that loves her feistiness. I know it’s supposed to be the lowest form of wit, but I’m rather fond of a bit of sarcasm, and often when she comes back at me with some kind of sharp insult I want to cheer – ‘you go girl!’
Like most things, it’s about striking a balance. I want to encourage her to be confident, independent and self-assured, but at the same time teach her boundaries of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. Not always easy when much of her attitude to life is lifted straight from the Disney Channel.
So what’s the secret? How do we strike that balance? Answers on a postcard please…
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editor
02 February, 2011
Love this piece and love the pic Jo, like you I want my girls to be confident and ambitious, I acknowledge that means they need to be tenacious and determined but yes if that spills over into over confidence, that can be alarming. I think we have to let them know that their confidence and belief doesn't have to be at other people's expense and work at it, leading by example. (Of course :))
02 February, 2011
Fantastic piece Jo, really made me giggle! My little sister is in the teenage phase of over-confidence right now.
02 February, 2011
I firmly believe that there is no greater know-it-all on Earth than the 8 year old girl but that doesn't mean you have to put up with blatent rudeness and disrespect. Feisty is good, rude is unacceptable and I think there is a place for a smidgeon of Victorian Mummy in this situation. So next time she talks to you like that, draw yourself up to your full height, look utterly astonished and say "How DARE you talk to me like that? I'm ashamed of you!". If you wouldn't let anyone else talk to you like that then there's no reason to let her talk to you like that. There's no need for punishment or ridicule, and the last thing she'll want is for you to feel ashamed of her, however she's behaving.
mum
02 February, 2011
Haha! Your comment made me laugh Colourful Coach as I do actually do that! I put on my best gobsmacked face and say "How DARE you..." and say something about how disappointed I am in her. Shame is a powerful weapon indeed.
admin
03 February, 2011
I love the honesty of this post Jo! We are going through this at the moment (early days) with our nearly six year old, and I'm finding it tough going. You do find yourself wondering when the transition between angellic angel to little monster occurred, and why you didn't notice until she actually was one.
I am also trying to adopt the calm but authoritive approach which is difficult at times, but I know we will get there in the end as this is definately not what we want "normal" to be like in our house.
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
mum
03 February, 2011
Are they all like this at this age? My eight (soon to be nine) year old is exactly like that - especially the eye-rolling and the "so I'll just drop everything and do everything" comments. I try to resist laughing, really I do... and I use the "How DARE you" as well. I'd like to think she'll retain some of her confidence and not have it battered out of her at high school like I did.
Was it Peter Ustinov who said: "Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth"? My bones are getting plenty of teeth marks on them here!
mum
03 February, 2011
Maybe it's a pre-teen hormonal thing Maggie? I seem to remember my eldest being a bit iffy at that age, but I think I put it down at the time to having a new sibling...
I love that quote! It is true that we let off steam like that with the people closest to us. When I'm saying things like 'Would you dare talk to your teacher like that?' I am partly thinking how nice it is that she feels able to let loose on me. I do have a habit of trying to see the bright side of things though!
04 February, 2011
I blame Hannah Montana and all these trashy TV programs that they watch. Miss Montana has a lot to answer for in my opinion. If the kids are watching programs like that where they see girls talking to adults in that attitudey, cocky, annoying way then they are going to push as many boundaries as they can. I think the comments from Colourful Coach that you wouldn't allow an adult to talk to you like that is so true, why do we allow kids to speak to us like that just because they are our kids? They need to learn confidence, but they also need to learn respect too. PS. I can't stand Hannah Montana - you may have gathered!
mum
04 February, 2011
Haha! I did pick up on some subtle anti-Hannah signals!
You're right though, she is VERY rude and arrogant and does have a lot to answer for.
When Belle got stroppy this morning getting ready for school I actually thought of this post and all the comments and did my very best firm 'How dare you... I'm ashamed of you...'
admin
07 February, 2012
I think it's great when kids feel confident - confidence is a fantastic and very useful skill to have. When respect is being ignored, though, I can see how it can easily spill over into arrogance and rudeness. Mine aren't 8 yet but my 3 year old boy definitely presses my buttons and tries to stay one step ahead of me already! At the moment I'm trying to keep the balance of being firm and being fun - so he knows which side of me he'd rather see! Colourfulcoach, I'm noting the 'shame' tool - ready for use!
Sue
Ready For Ten Team