Meeting new people at school can be hard, but what about when it's the other mums you can't bring yourself to be friends with?
I’ve never been much good at making friends in the playground. I don’t mean years ago, when I was at school (although the same applies there if I’m honest), I mean as a parent.
I think it comes from becoming a mum so young. When my eldest daughter started at the local village school I was just 21, and pulling up in my battered Talbot Samba, surrounded by well-groomed 40-year-olds in latest model Landrovers, I felt more than a little out of place.
Making an effort
As a result, I’ve always tended to keep myself to myself on the school run, opting to lurk in a corner or, better still, drop the kids off at the gate and scuttle away. At 32 I can’t claim it’s an age thing anymore, so what is it? Why do I find so many mums in one place so intimidating?
I have tried over the last couple of year to make an effort, if only so that I can organise Belle’s friends to come over to play, in the hope that she’ll get invited back and I’ll be able to get on with some work. I find it hard though. Some of the parents are lovely, but mainly I just find it dull and slightly awkward.
Playgrounds are the perfect place to capture a cross-section of your local community, so I guess it’s not surprising that there will be some parents that I don’t like. There are the hyper-involved ones of course – the mums you avoid eye contact with, knowing otherwise you’ll end up treasurer of the PTA before you can say ‘summer fete’, and the uber-stylish ones, who you daren’t stand next for fear of looking like a charity shop reject, but the kind I dislike the most are the ones who are just plain dull. Is this terribly shallow of me, to have no patience for boring people? Maybe they are incredibly witty underneath it all?
Does finding other mums dull make me a bad mother?
Perhaps it’s just me - I do have a tendency to crack inappropriate jokes - but seriously, what is it with these mums with no sense of humour, no life of their own? I know the school is the thing we have in common, but surely they have other things to talk about? Belle has one friend at school that she gets on really well with, but she never comes to play, simply because I can’t bear to interact with her mother. She's so miserable looking. I’ve nothing against dressing for comfort but honestly, this women has the personality of a Clark’s shoe.
Am I being a terrible person? Or a bad mother, ensuring Belle misses out on vital social contact with key friends? Maybe. But I’m just not prepared to subject myself to daily conversations with grown women based on monosyllabic grunts or tediously repetitive comments about the school dinner menu. ‘I have other interests!’ I want to scream at this army of child-obsessed droids, ‘Can we please talk about something else?!’
Sound familiar?
There's more on playground politics by Jackie Cosh at Parentdish. Ouch!
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editor
09 May, 2011
Hi Jo - oh you made me smile and then you made me wince! Some of us boring looking women know how to have a laugh you know - go on give them a chance, you never know...:) If of course after sufficient time of giving someone a chance you're still not hitting it off, well, that's another story...
mum
09 May, 2011
I've met some absolutely lovely mums at the school gate, and must add that none have ever discussed the school dinner menu. Maybe I come across as dull and boring, waiting there for my daughter each day, but surely that's just making an assumption?
editor
09 May, 2011
All I am saying is give peas a chance...
mum
09 May, 2011
This rang so true with me. I often lurk in the car rather than join in the conversations outside school. Is it because we don't know each other very well so there just isn't much to say or because we've known each other for ages - since mother and baby group in some cases - we've run out of topics of conversation?
At a recent visit to the playground the usual gang of other mums stood behind me so I couldn't join in the conversation. My self-esteem really plummeted but then I sought out a granddad similarly ostracised and we had a great chat.
I know exactly what you mean about 'dull' conversation. I don't want to talk about nappies and soaps or gossip about people in the village (or the school dinner menu!) but I do love a good political debate with a granddad.
mum
09 May, 2011
I'm a bit of both. But I felt out of place because I was a badly groomed 40-something mum among young trendie yummies.
Having said that, I've just come back from seeing my eldest off to his primary seven week-long school trip and had some lovely conversations with a few mums who have become friends. Perhaps it just takes time, I've now known these women for ages.
09 May, 2011
Ooh this is a classic one! I tend to dip in a nd out of the school playground depending on work commitments. Indeed there are a broad cross section of mummies but all of them and I mean ALL of them, are interesting in their own ways. People don't often have the choice but to talk to me in the playground as I am a bit in your face and not backward in striking up a conversation. Don't get me wrong sometimes, I like to lurk in the corner and other times I am doing my bit for the PTA but most of the time I am being down right nosey and on the hunt for good old fashioned gossip and where better to find it than in the school back yard?
editor
09 May, 2011
Just remembered I got roped into the PTA once and the recruitment process was exactly like you describe. I tend to avoid waiting around school now, honestly the last time I did, a mum sprinted after me to ask me to help with something. Like you, I felt a terrible person when I scarpered, but on this occasion, (I'll spare you further details) it had to be done.
dad
09 May, 2011
Yeah, this resonates with me. I shamefully don earphones to dodge volunteering, and conversation for the sake of it. The playground is a tricky place, and a lot of folks are uncomfortable with silence so they default to the known common ground of their children. I did make enough of an effort to begin with to make sure my son is welcome with others, even if I'm now not. But, no, does not make you a bad mother or person.
admin
09 May, 2011
I loved the honesty of this post Jo. I have felt elements of what you describe, and have also been the mummy in "leisure wear" when I haven't had enough time to get myself dressed properly before getting my three kids out of the house on time.
Some of the parents in my daughter's school obviously know each other from before the children started, so they have already formed their little groups. As a result I often feel that they don't want to talk to me, but rather stick to chatting with the people they know, despite me always smiling and saying hello. On the whole I'm not really too bothered, we have a real mix of nationalities at our school and I find it's more often the "foreign" parents like me that are the most friendly, without being in your face. Tricky business isn't it!
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
10 May, 2011
This morning I've made an extra special effort to smile at people and talk to them at the school gates following this post yesterday. I only do the drop offs in the morning as the child minder picks up after school, so I don't have to do the waiting around bit very often, but when I do, it does sometimes feel a bit "clicky" because I don't really know many people. I will make more effort from now on.