I'm more than happy to crack the whip with my own, so why can't I assert my authority when it comes to other people's kids in my house?
I am a complicated woman.
I have one set of standards and rules for myself, and one for other people.
For instance, it isn’t okay for Belle to have pudding if she hasn’t made a good effort with her carrots, but it is of course quite all right for me to skip dinner completely and instead just have a glass of wine and a Snickers ice cream on the sofa while I watch Come Dine With Me.
(Just a hypothetical example obviously...)
Who's in charge?
I’ve clearly not quite developed the art of practising what I preach.
“Of course you can do that scary/difficult/terrifying thing!” I will assure my friends chirpily, “Just do it! Just believe in yourself!” But when it comes to me, it’s easier said than done.
Assertiveness is another stumbling block. Belle is, shall we say, a little ‘intense’ at times, (as I have written about before in this post about the line between independence and attitude), and whenever she goes to a friend’s to play, I’m always slightly anxious about how she will come across.
“She can be a little, er, outspoken, sometimes,” I warn people, “so please don’t be afraid to tell her off if you need to.”
And I genuinely mean this. If Belle is a guest in someone else’s home then as far as I’m concerned, they are in charge right? And if that means having to tell Belle off if she misbehaves then so be it.
Respect my authority... or not.
When I have other people’s children in our house though, it’s completely different. My feelings on discipline go out the window, and I simply don’t seem to have the nerve to assert my authority. I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of – whether I’m worried that they’ll go back and tell their parents how horrid I was, or simply that I’ve yet to overcome my childish need to be liked, even if it’s by a snotty eight year old, but whatever the case, I just can’t bring myself to tell off another person’s child.
Last week for instance, Belle had a new friend round for an impromptu play date. We’ve moved recently, we didn’t know the girl well, and it was the first time she’d been to our house. She’d actually come round having already had her dinner, but we were just having ours – (pizza, don’t tell anyone…).
“There’s pizza in the kitchen if you’d like a slice,” I offered politely, expecting her to cower nervously in the corner.
“Cool, thanks!” she said, and scampered of to get some. Well that was fine, she was clearly the confident sort.
“Where did you get this?” she asked, eyeing me suspiciously as she came back to the table.
“Um, Tesco I think,” I answered, with that unnecessarily guilty feeling you get when a police car pulls up behind you at traffic lights.
“Ergh!” she exclaimed, clearly judging me. “Not the ‘T’ word!” I was then subjected to a short lecture on the horrors of supermarket shopping, after which, clearly having worked up an appetite, she went and helped herself to the last slice of pizza.
Turning a blind eye
Now I’m all for children having opinions, in moderation and within certain hours of course, but this seemed a little forthright even by my standards. Did I say anything though? Did I stand up for myself? Of course not.
Later in the evening, when I could hear her giving Belle a run for her money in the bossiness stakes, taking first dibs on the Sylvanian Families, did I go in and ask her to play nicely, to share? Did I hell. I stayed in the kitchen and pretended not to notice.
What is the matter with me? Why, even though I agree with the principle, am I incapable of telling off someone else’s child?
I'd love to know if this is normal, if we're all victim of this double standard. Or maybe for you it's different altogether, maybe you hate the idea of someone telling off your child, but find yourself doing it to other people's? Do let me know I'm not alone...
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editor
18 July, 2011
Hi Jo - I think I'm the opposite to you - I find it easier to tell off other people's children than my own sometimes. I remember one time a friend was so badly behaved at Pizza Hut ( well a bit loud anyway) I was at pains to point out to the waitress she wasn't mine, I didn't say that out loud, just kept saying things like 'what time did your mum say she was coming?' very loudly!
mum
18 July, 2011
I'm going to sit on the fence and say it depends on how well I know the child - and the parents!!
If it's just someone over for a playdate that I don't know that well, I probably wouldn't. We had one child over recently who didn't like what I offered him for pudding, got up and started rummaging through our fridge for alternatives. Whilst I think that is rude, I didn't say anything - although he may have seen my raised eyebrows! If they're squabbling over something, and it's obvious they can't sort it out themselves, I will go in and say something - but not take sides too much. If it's children of a long term friend, I feel more comfortable telling them off and am equally happy for them to tell off mine. Don't feel like you're a wuss - it's hard!
expert
18 July, 2011
Gosh that child sounds rude. I have to say it used to wind me up when other kids would come round and and not say please and thank you but I wouldn't pick them up on it. Now we are in France the kids tend to be very polite and I struggle to understand them so it is less of an issue! It's interesting though, in France it seems much more the done thing to tell other people's children off if they are misbehaving in public. No one seems to think twice about doing that "wagging finger" thing. Then again, they are often quite happy to do that to adults too....
18 July, 2011
My sister and I have always had the understanding that if her son is at my house, then he needs to stick to my rules and vice versa with my son at hers. Not that we have many rules but certainly manners and good behaviour are the things that I insist that any child in my house uses. I know that my sisters son has a friend over at his quite a lot and he never says please and thank you to anything and my sister is quite strict with him. I also know of someone who has a step daughter, who uses manners when her parent isn't around, but then when the parent appears, she reverts to no manners - bizarre! She does know how to behave, but doesn't when the parent is around! Attention seeking maybe?
It's easy to keep kids in line when other people's kids are at your house. When it's very difficult is when their parents are there too and don't pick up on the things that their kids are doing or saying, or even not saying. What do you do then? Any advice on this would be much appreciated!
mum
18 July, 2011
That child sounds like a little madam. I think I'd have been inclined to engage her in a debate so involved and tedious she would be very sorry about bringing it up!
Other people's kids are hard though. My rule of thumb is that if it's in my house, they'll just have to put up with it. Or go home.
admin
19 July, 2011
This post made me chuckle Jo! We wouldn't for a moment criticise you for choosing a glass of wine and a snickers over an actual dinner, any day of the week! With regards to the little supermarket guru who came to play, I think I too would be quite shocked. I am a very opinionated person and I have no problem at all telling my children's friends off if the need arises. What I normally do is make it quite comical, so for instance if they are saying a rude word or behaving badly, I'll use my most shocked, theatrical voice and exclaim "Oooooooooooooh my goodness I didn't just see you not sharing did I?, your mummy/daddy told me you are the best sharer in the whole wide world!" They are normally quite taken aback by this response it puts them off. For "pleases and thank yous" many of my daugther's little friends forget to say it, and when I put the plate/drink etc in front of them and get no response, I say in my theatre voice again "thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you A's Mummy for a gorgeous dinner I can't wait to eat it". Seems a bit over the top but sometimes that's what it takes, and doesn't leave you feeling like a dragon.
Leigh
Ready for Ten Team
mum
19 July, 2011
Thanks for all the comments - I don't feel like quite such a chicken now.
Alison I love the image of the child rummaging through your fridge, that made me laugh!
Some great tips there too. I do the dramatic think with my own children Leigh, where I say 'Oh THANK you Mummy, this looks SOOOO delicious, you real are the most super cook in the Whole Wide World', but it tends to just get me the odd raised eyebrow if I'm lucky...
I like the idea though Ellen of engaging our guest in a debate about the pros and cons of supermarket shopping, I wish I'd thought of that at the time!