Are we raising the most selfish generation of children ever?

Hi Linda,
After this Christmas I really believe kids (the older ones particularly) are getting more selfish - it's a generational thing but it's not all their fault.
Many parents assuage their nagging guilt over the lack of time they spend with their kids by buying gadgets/gizmos and any expensive stuff they want. I'm not one just to blame the parents though, it's really hard to stand up to the many pressures - especially when adult friends seem to think it's ok to give their children everything they want. But we have to draw the line somewhere.
I want my kids to be outward looking and aware of how lucky they really are - and am really interested to hear how others have managed to do this.
Particularly keen to hear of any charities that will involve children in their work/volunteering.

Hi Annemarie, thanks for your thoughtful comment, I agree with all you say, and in my own case, I am sure that at times reasons why I have given my daughters something has more to do with how I am feeling than them. Our writer Cathy has written about charity ideas and that's an upcoming post, as well as a piece next Monday from home educating mum Grit who has experience of community projects.

I think this is a good question for January 2011. Society has moved to wanting things now rather than saving up and maybe therefore there is a consequence of children not truly valuing items? I have been working on an idea to reduce wasteful spending to enable charitable fund-raising.
Well done for posing such a good question. I look forward to following the discussion

Totally agree with Annemarie's comments that a number of parents buy kids things instead of spending time with them so it eases their guilt to make their kids happy to have the things they want. Not only does this make kids selfish, in my opinion, it also makes them manipulative and know how to play their parents. Parents also need to get back to the fact that they are the parent and should therefore be providing the family guidelines rather than the other way round.

What a wonderful and thought-provoking post. I agree with Annemarie that it seems to be a generational thing. It was certainly not the case when I was a child that children's achievements were celebrated in the way they are now, not that I can remember - but is that such a bad thing?

There's a fine line of course but I think there are more children out there today who are not told they are amazing and fabulous and capable than those that are. No-one wants to bring up a spoilt, demanding child but I'd rather one brimming with self-confidence because they've been built up than one that is not.

We have friends in New York who says their friends' children are frequently told they are 'awesome'. Although this made me feel a little uncomfortable at first (British reserve?), they told me they thought this was a good thing, and I have to agree.

Hi Nathan, yes I think many people lament the old days of working towards something and earning/saving money to pay for it, how else can we value such rewards, when they aren't even seen as rewards any more? The saying that we may know the price of everything but the value of nothing has never been more true. It's such a shame.

Sounds like a fab month of posts ahead. I was just explaining to JJ this morning how easy his generation have it (now I sound like my Nan!). We started to read the Enchanted Wood together last night and the kids were only allowed out to play once all their chores where done and had to ask to play - that was an eye opener for him and reminder for me!

Mich x

Interesting. And something I regularly ponder. Now as a child I was 'spoiled', but know what is important and what isn't, and don't yearn for my neighbours shiny things. And I do wonder how it worked out like that. Been reading a book with Max recently thats moral is along these lines, teaching children to help others, and to be appreciative. And its advice is to learn by doing exactly that, helping others, and appreciating what you've got/been given.

This is such a timely discussion, because I remarked to my husband over Christmas how fortunate/spoiled/ungrateful/presumptious we had made our children (okay so I was having a bad day but still).

Our children (nearly 6,4, 18 months) want for nothing, and even though I am so very aware that I do often say no, they still have everything they could possibly need, and more. I try to explain to them how fortunate they are, but they really don't grasp it, and on my list of research/reading for the next few months is looking at how we can start to move away from this situation we have created, to continue to teach our children the value of time, money and experiences. We, like all parents, are learning as we go and I'm quite shocked for someone who is very aware of how I don't want my children to be, this "situation" has crept in without me noticing until now.

Thank you for another great post Linda.

Leigh
Ready for Ten Team

Hi Rosie, but what's wrong with happy, confident, content, healthy and average? All children are special, why do kids need to hear they are "more" special every day or that a given talent/intelligence is any greater than anyone else's if it's not? I encourage my children all I can but also teach them you have to be realistic. I tell them if they work hard at school and do their best they can choose what they do in later life. I tell them they are beautifull and I tell them I love them very much, I want them to feel safe, secured and loved. But I don't want them to ride roughshod over other people's feelings because they think they have some God given right to do that, with praise has to come an understanding that life isn't always all roses and responsibility, I think. Like you say there is a fine line and sometimes one side of that line is a deluded pushy parent who puts their child in front of someone who crushes their dreams in a blink of an eye. I think we should encourage children all we can but still try somehow to be aware of the "fine line" you mention. x

Linda, there is nothing wrong with being happy, confident, content, health and average. I am making the point that children should feel they are special, not that they are more special than anyone else. I didn't say that. No-one would want their child to ride roughshod over other people's feelings or think they have a God given right to do that. I haven't said that either!

No but that's how some people would interpret telling their children they are "awesome" every day can be interpreted, like you say it's a fine line. xx

Yes, Linda, if used in the UK. But in the States the word "awesome" is frequently used. :)

I do try and make my children (nine year old triplets) realise the value of things and I think this has rubbed off and come Christmas they don't compare with what they're friends have got. In fact now they're saving up for large items they want so that's good news. However, over Christmas I noticed that my kids really don't know how to entertain themselves anymore and unless they're watching tv/playing computers they "expect" to be entertained in some form or other - wanting to go out to eat, to indoor playcentres, etc. and being at home is boring. I feel this is my fault as since they were babies I've taken them to so many classes and clubs that, in all honesty, they've never really had much time to spare. I've decided now to cut back on some of the clubs and spend more time at home with them or encouraging them to play and read. Hate to say that I've also caught myself telling them how I used to play for hours with ants in the garden!!

In answer to the article question, no. I see children who are politically active, argumentative, and community-minded. In the world I inhabit, I see people aware that we rely on our communities for goodwill: we take our education at the heart of this society and we couldn't do it without the support from our neighbours.

Selfish children in the wider society? Here are three areas I think give rise to self-absorbed children with narrow outlooks: 1) Sexualisation of pre-teens which focuses a child's mind on body image 2) Pressure to conform to brands which focuses a child's mind on constructing a particular consumer identity 3) Narrow curriculums, preventing real-world skills which focuses a child's mind on some areas of study to the exclusion and detriment of others. Each of those areas has an impact in lack of understanding and acceptance of other people. And Hurrah to the parents and kids who have found ways to resist those pressures!

(Anyone want a 50,000 word essay?!)

In answer to the article question, no. I see children who are politically active, argumentative, and community-minded. In the world I inhabit, I see people aware that we rely on communities for goodwill: we take our education at the heart of this society and we couldn't do it without support from neighbours.

Selfish children in the wider society? Here are three areas I think give rise to self-absorbed children with narrow outlooks: 1) Sexualisation of pre-teens which focuses a child's mind on body image 2) Pressure to conform to brands which focuses a child's mind on constructing a particular consumer identity 3) Narrow curriculums, preventing real-world skills, which focuses a child's mind on some areas of study to the exclusion and detriment of others. Each of those areas has an impact in lack of understanding and acceptance of other people. And Hurrah to the parents and kids who carry on finding ways to resist those pressures!

Now, anyone want a 50,000 word essay?!

I think it depends on how switched on we are as parents. If you have a plan and aim for your family you work to go that way. It's not easy and we all fail at times. I like to think there are lots of parents who aren't building selfish ones and I see lots of children that aren't.

Honestly, we can't do much about it. It's all about what they see on tv. For example, all of these teen 'pop' stars dressing up with skimpy clothing even when most of their audience is quite young, encourages kids to want to be grown up like them and live like them. A lot of these 'singers' often give terrible impressions and ideas etc.
Another point is that when I was in New Look the other day, I was shocked and disgusted at some of the clothes in the childrens section. I mean short shorts for a seven year old? And the mini skirts that all the older kids wear for children aged 7? Again, makes these kids want more of these things when a lot of their friends' parents cave in at this point and buying them these clothes that are defiantly too old for them.

My two points were generally just about kids begging for inappropriate clothes ALL the time but if they keep on getting then they generally become less grateful, which makes an impact on behavior and such things. I blame it on what they see on television!

I make no appologies for what I am going to write now; Although I have no children and probably do not qualify to give a comment,but nonetheless I am going too. As I have been casted as an outsider in this community, there are certain obsticles and issues I have observed whilst out and about, well let me say that my first thought would be that there are some very polite children and whilst on the other hand there are some dam outright rude and disrespectfull children - and all live in this neighbourhood, as in many other neighbourhoods. I am now going to give an example of what I mean by above comment. One day whilst out walking, a group of girls (no older than approximately 10 years old), walked pass me and were on about "gangbang", as at that particular moment I was absolutely shocked (and still am), that a ten or nine year old could come out with that word, probably not knowing what it means in the first place. That just goes to show you what children nowadays are either learning from their parents or at school or even from their peers, basically I find that extremely shocking and somehow should be addressed